To Be Perfect

I have been lying on my bed unable to sleep for over an hour. When this happens my mind races, and if my thoughts were on wheels they would beat any car in any race at any time. I hate laying there in the dark thinking all kinds of thoughts. Such an activity creates a multitude of feelings - depending on what happened in my daily living. This morning in the wandering of my mind I begin to reflect on hurtful words and actions and as I did some words of Scripture came to mind.

For me, Scriptures, the Holy Book, the Words of the Lord are the source of knowledge and inspiration for my faith. This morning as my mind was so active thinking about mistakes in my life one little passages of scripture came to my mind. The passage is from the gospel of Matthew, chapter five, verse 48. It reads, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” To someone like myself these are terrible words of condemnation to hear.

I am a perfectionist. I see to be perfect in everything. I wanted to be the perfect child to my parents so that I would have their love. I wanted to be the perfect student getting excellent grades in everything I do. I wanted to be perfect in my work never making a mistake always doing everything right. I wanted to be the perfect husband, absolutely loving to my wife and love by her. I wanted to be the perfect father who always did right for his children. I wanted to be the perfect citizen. I wanted to be the perfect friend. I wanted to be perfect in every way.

I remember the words to the song,
Oh, Lord, it is hard to be humble,
When you’re perfect in every way,
Can’t stand to look in the mirror,
I keep getting better each day.” I remember the song, and constantly realize how those words can never refer to me.

I am a perfectionist, but my life is full of sins, mistakes and hurts. Even if I never hurt anyone else, I still hurt myself in so many ways. Rather than being able to hit the home run to win the game, I struck out and lost the game. I was not the perfect child, and I know I disappointed my parents. I got divorced. I frustrate my children and get them angry at me. I screw up on the job. I am lazy. I say stupid things wherever I go and I live a life of total imperfection.

The sins of my imperfections tear me apart inside and out. I have deep feelings of guilt in my heart, and if I sit in quiet just thinking of things weighs heavily unpon me. I know I am not a winner. I screw up terribly with family and friends. I get them angry. I feel stupid around them, and feel inadequate and helpless. As much as I want to share love, I missed the boat. Jealousy, fear, prejudice, anger and lust fill my heart with guilt.

I feel inferior and unable to do the right things. I no longer want to try. I am ashamed of being discovered, so I hide my talents under rock to stay safe and avoid reaching out one more time for fear of being slapped down again. I read the Bible verse which tells me to be perfect, and rather than being helpful to me in any way the verse judges me in every way as the desire for perfection defeats me. At that point and I am lost without any hope at all. Then I seek to find comfort.

As I continue to look around the scriptures I do discover other words to offset the need of perfection. The other words speak of forgiveness. I read the story where some friends lower a paralyzed man before Jesus. The only way they could get Jesus to see this man was to cut a hole in the roof and bring him down through it. When Jesus saw their faith he took the man by the hand and said, “My son, your sins are forgiven.” In my sick soul I hear those words as if they are spoken to me, and in them I discover a bit of hope.

I read other words found in the of the Letter of I John which say, “If we confess our sins God is faithful and just, and he will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” All unrighteousness. I hear these words and I think of God's forgiveness as being unlimited. I hear words from an old song which I remember which say, “All my sins have been forgiven, God is wonderful to me."

I believe this idea - God's love is unlimited and he offers us total forgiveness. Everything in the past, and the present and in the future is forgiven by him. It is total, complete, absolute, and almost impossible to receive and understand. Almost impossible, but when I think of the depth of this thought I believe t is true.

His love is unlimited, His forgiveness is total, and I find in him confidence to live with myself. I remember an old saying I once saw in a Christian Bible Store which reads, “I am not perfect, only forgiven.” It was such meaningful words and I have never forgotten them. I once spent a long time trying to think of what eh word forgiveness means, and I have come to understand it this way.

When wrong is done we no longer give. Our love is taken away and replaced with a barrier that becomes a wall between us. We lose communion and sharing. We lose our togetherness. The act of forgiving breaks the barrier and removes the wall to reestablish our relationship of love once again. We are for giving - in favor of giving and we desire giving. We give to each other our time and person in a spirit of joy.

I do not try to be perfect anymore. I try to accept forgiveness, and I seek to give forgiveness for myself when I am wrong and to others who do wrong to me. I seek to live a life of spirit which is free from a life of judgment, condemnation and self defeat. I see to extract freedom and live a positive life of hope. I want to have an optimistic vision of the good which can be and the good which will overcome the hurt which surrounds us all. It is not an easy goal to achieve. but as I seek to live in hope I do discover a sense of love which makes forgiveness possible. In the long run it is this possibility which makes hope real and love strong for living in the moments God gives us to enjoy.

Tonight I went to Jeanne's 50th high school reunion. It was nice. I watched all the old classmates greeting each other, took lots of pictures, listened to conversations, had a great meal to eat, (too much) and felt quite comfortable.

Then we danced. They had hired a good band which played a lot of soft, easy music from the late 50's and early 60's, and it was fun. At first only a few got up, but as the night wore on more and more got on the dance floor. Then the "old feeling" got to people who began to jump around and it was wonderful to see - 70 year olds dancing like they were in "Footloose."

I watched a group on the floor dancing, and for a few seconds I saw what used to be - not old people talking about being old, but energized people being themselves. It really sucks as to what age does to us, but it is beautiful to have all our memories, and it warms the heart when the pictures of years goine by press into the present and we see love again - the love of youth and sharing - community and spirit. As Martha would say - "It is a good thing," and for tonight it was. So I conclude by quoting Cyndi's lisence plate - "Thankugod" for this night

A PRAYER




Lord, sometimes I get so pissed off and angry taht I can no longer function. I can't see what to do, and my whole body screams in frustration. In those moments I need to go away and hide - even for only a moment to refocus. Help me in frustration to be faithful. Amen